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join me in the pits of hell

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gppdbye old ife, hello new one [May. 20th, 2004|06:12 am]
join me in the pits of hell
[you couldn't possibly understand how i feel |awakeawake]
[something stuck in my head |ddr music]

say good bye to this life of mine and enter my new one.


maybe i'll come back here when i feel that the time is right.

comment if you wish to be added to my new lj for it is friends only.
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songs and stuff [May. 17th, 2004|06:25 am]
join me in the pits of hell
[you couldn't possibly understand how i feel |guiltyguilty]
[something stuck in my head |up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, start]

why is everyone so sad. i hate it. i hate being guilty but i'm not sad. i think a part of me is sad because my friends are sad, but i truely am not sad. infact i am quit happy that i am living to see another day because every day is a new day, new things come and bad things may go. a new day changes everyhting, and mostly for the better. i just hope things are better, so i can smiles on all of my frineds faces. they're all sad though. and i am not, i think that's a huge change. well i lvoe them all the same. lindsy rocks my socks! i get to barrow ddr from her today, oh yeah oh yeah!

today was a good day.
I didn't even have to use my a.k.
at least I didn't get my heart broken anyway
wasting time in east new jersey.
guess I could tell you 'bout
the snow covered rooftops,
sunsets, shooting stars and picturesque backdrops.
or how I went and hung out at quick-stop
and pretended that I was in clerks.

sometimes you gotta stop and remember
that your not gonna live forever.
be young, think smart, stay true
and just follow your heart.

remember the times we watched "karate kid"
and memorized every line
skipped school and went to the arcade
hung out and played galaga all day.
stole a car and we drove to michigan.
600 miles with no destination.
except to get in the car and drive
and see where we'll end up.

sometimes you gotta stop and remember.
that your not gonna be young forever.
think smart, have fun, stay true
and don't ever grow up.

out of all I've learned in life
you always keep your friends close to your heart.
'cause who will help you if you're falling down.

and everything is o.k.

for the emo kids.

And I admit that I was only waiting for the right time
Night time, the right moment for you to look away
Though you never did, I pretended for a while
So I could walk where I don't belong

And I remember every word you said
Come back in time, come back
And I remember I would soon be dead
Now so pitiful, so pitiful

But I know as I hammered those nails into your beautiful hands
Your eyes still try to search for mine, but I look away
Now your eyes are the only thing that can save me
--someone i know sings it. lol just can't remember
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just stuff [May. 16th, 2004|06:06 pm]
join me in the pits of hell
[you couldn't possibly understand how i feel |blahblah]
[something stuck in my head |the ataris - teenage riot]

my mom let derek come over today. what a surprise. i went shopping yesturday with the mum and got close that aren't five sizes too big for me. people kept complementing on how they like it because they can see my figure and i have a nice figure. if i could punch hard, they'd all be dead because those are flat out lies.

a nice way to hit me with a guilt trip.

i may get off groundment early if i be a good "little" girl.

later i'm going to watch big fish but first i must clean. i feel so incredibly bad. i don't know what to do.

life takes you on roads you can't get off without hard work. if you die you bever get off the road. so what do we do now?

one of these days i'm going to go skating with the skater boys. my frineds, ok for brett i;ll stop calling them skater boys, i just love the way it sounds. but i'm going to hang out with them. brett, cody, steve, and who ever else goes with them. soon, new journal soon. remember all those who wish to be on the firends list just comment. only two so far
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stupid shit and not so stupid shit [May. 15th, 2004|08:54 am]
join me in the pits of hell
[something stuck in my head |the sex pistols - seventeen]

haha some random person randomly emailed me with this song. i must say they have great taste is music, lyrics as well;


Too many problems oh why I am here
I don't need to be me cos you're all to clear
well and I can see there's something wrong with you
but what do you expect me to do ?

At least I gotta know what I wanna be
don't come to me if you need pity
Are you lonely you got no one
you get your body in suspension that's no

Problem Problems the problem is you

Eat your heart out on a plastic tray
you don't do what you want then you'll fade away
you won't find me working nine to five
it's too much fun a BEING ALIVE
I'm using my feet for my human machine
you won't find me living for the screen
are you lonely all needs catered
you got your brains dehydrated

In a death trip I ain't automatic
you won't find me just staying static
don't you give me any orders
for people like me there is no order
bet you thought you had it all worked out
bet you thought you knew what I was about
bet you thought you solved all your problems
but you are the problem

Problem the problem is YOU
what you gonna do with you
what you gonna do
I'll leave it to you
the problem is you
oh what you gonna do

they know a doctor gonna take you away
they take you away and throw away the key
they don't want you and they don't want me
you got a problem the problem is you
Problem what you gonna do ?
--the sex pistols

so phill broke the neighbors bug guard on his truck yesturday later in the afternoon. so his girlfriend came HERE and 8:30 this morning bitching at tony. i'm sorry if it's her boyfriends he should be talking to tony about it not sending his fat bitchy girlfriend over to do the bitching. what... he can't fight his own battles? fuck this shit. oh well. i think i'm just going to sit here and do nothing. i have things to do today with my mom cause she wont let me stay by myself, she doesn't trust me. WOOT WOOT! ran out of butts, must get more. hm... if derek is up to maybe we could hang out tomorrow, if he wants to hang out later in the evening, cause my mom is going to work. we'll see how things are with him. i still feel really bad.

fight for the feeling of being alive
fight for the freedom you will never recieve
fight for protection of the people you love
fight for the sake of staying alive

this world has got nothing left to offer
the weak ones keep on falling down
while the rich and the strong rise up
that's the way this government works

not done... need to leave with the fam. so i'll finish it later. any one got any suggestions?
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(no subject) [May. 14th, 2004|11:16 pm]
join me in the pits of hell
[you couldn't possibly understand how i feel |angryangry]
[something stuck in my head |stupid shit]

i don't know what happened today. i do but i do't. i feel bad. this is so incredibly stupid. my mom is watching kids in the hall season one. i don't want to watch it i don't really want to be in here right now, but i'm waiting for people to get on so i guess it's cool. or not. arg, i don't know what the ell to do anymore.
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new stuff old stuff [May. 14th, 2004|04:34 pm]
join me in the pits of hell
[you couldn't possibly understand how i feel |pissed offpissed off]
[something stuck in my head |shinedown - 45]

after this grounded thing i'm getting a new journal. so the last entries of this journal will be of me bitching. my new journal will be a friends only journal so ill add my "friends" if you wish to be added then just comment on here and i will make a not of it. i can't garentee that you'll be added but i'll defenitly consider it. not like many people care right now because they don't read this fucking thing. so you have to deal with me for another two weeks then this is not even going to be used. maybe later in the future. but this journal is seriously a curse. i'm getting away from the fucking drama of my life. so just tell me before then if you would like to be added. thanks. remember i'm only updating in this for two more weeks. then it's done.

looking back through this journal makes me cry. all of the things i'm leaving and have already left behind. it's scarey to think i'm so young and have gone through so much.
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fucked up again [May. 13th, 2004|05:26 am]
join me in the pits of hell
[you couldn't possibly understand how i feel |disappointeddisappointed]
[something stuck in my head |nirvana - rape me]

i guess i can never really have a life seeing as how my mom breathes down my neck twenty four seven. so i was caught. i don't know how she found out but she did and she waited in my room till i got home. and now i'm grounded for two weeks can't do shit, but not like it matters much, i don't do much anyway because she doesn't let me. so i guess she's just locking me up again and throwing away the key. not like she hasn't done it plenty of times before and the results of that didn't turn out to well, i wonder if she took that into consideration.

well i hung out with derek again for the whole morning at will's house and feel asleep on the couch. dereks a cool kid, and i DON'T hate him like he thinks i do. i' so tired, but now atleats i get to catch up on my sleep i wont be leaving much. sorry.

sorry, i guess i never was the perfect child, your daughter is a big fucking mistake and her life is made up of wrong choices and so many mistakes because it's the only way she feels alive. but it takes away the love she wants from her mother, who doesn't know her for who she is and will never see her mind.

so another mistake, i fucked things up again. life goes on, i do feel bad, she just doesn't see it. she doesn't understand me and she never will. that's why i am truely alone.
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i don't know what to do anymore, how to feel.... [May. 11th, 2004|07:23 pm]
join me in the pits of hell
[you couldn't possibly understand how i feel |lonelylonely]
[something stuck in my head |afi - bleed black]

someone please just tell me what the hell is wrong with me. i have friends and then after a short amount of time they just stop calling stop hanging out with me so i see there's something wrong with me. when people pull away i see it as my fault i'm the falure in any reationship, whether it just be a frinedship or relationship. i'm loosing everyone and i guess it's just me, so what's wrong with me? i don't even know if i have a single true friend anymore. i have friends i just don't know if any of them care anymore, and i can see their point in not caring anymore. i just feel empty recently, like there's nothing much to live for anymore and i don't know, i just want to have a life and i'm not having one. i want to hang out with people but they never want to hang out with me. i dunno, there's just nothing anymore, i'm empty, what's there left to hold onto? i'm not making sence since i'm just repeating things. i have all these thoughts in my head but i don't know how to make them come out of my head the way i want them too. no one knows how i feel and theysay stuff to try and make things better and they try to explain things but they just don't understand what's really going on, how i really feel. they'll never know.

"they like to push the weak ones around"

someone just please tell me what's wrong with me, what do i do to push you away?...

i can't find the answers to these questions anymore
but i never really could
what do i do to push you away
how bad of a person am i to screw things up
over and over again
someone just please tell me
you're not afraid to walk away
but you're afraid to speak a few words

"Death Of Season"
Of late, it's harder
Just to go outside, to leave this dead space
with hatred, so alive
Running with sickness
drowning through banality
jump on the weakness, full force to return

I watch the stars as they fall from the sky
I held the falling star and it wept for me, dyin'
I feel the falling stars encircle me, now as they cry

Crawl back so quickly, close, malignant trust will shiver
extinction crack sails unrecognized
Sinning so wounded
support with mortality

All of this hatred, is fucking real

I watch the stars they fall from the sky
I held the falling star and it wept for me, dyin'
I feel the falling stars encircle me, now as they cry

But it won't be alright, despite what they say
Just watch the stars tonight as they, as they, as they disappear
Create time, disintegrate. Cause this hate is fucking real
And I hope to shake the world as stars go out and I disintegrate
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45 [May. 11th, 2004|03:27 pm]
join me in the pits of hell
[you couldn't possibly understand how i feel |blahblah]
[something stuck in my head |shinedown-45]

Send away for a priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply, so absurd
In these times of doing what you're told
You keep these feelings, no one knows
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight

What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart


Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believe
I believe
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life sucks [May. 10th, 2004|05:34 am]
join me in the pits of hell
[you couldn't possibly understand how i feel |pissed offpissed off]
[something stuck in my head |tori amos - sweet dreams]

so i guess i have this thing on the inside of my knee, it's like a bubble kinda and if it pops my leg swells like a balloon, and he also explained this other problem with my knee or something or other, in everyone's leg there is liquid which is absorbed by all this stuff in your leg and around your knee and the liquid is not being absorbed. so i'm sappouse to keep me knee above my heart so the liquid can absorb but i can't do that in school, they'll think i'm fucked up, plus is hurts to een move it now, so i dunno. yesturday i hope my mom had a great mothers day, she's giving me a ride to school this morning so i have to wake her up at six thirty. and i need my books back from certain people, like lindsy, and hilary. oh i miss hilary, it's been a while the last time i told her to call she didn't and now dre is telling me she did soemthing but she wont tell me what and it's pissing me off because if she's doing shit to hurt herself... i don't know what i'm going to do anymore. maybe i should just give up on caring about people because they either end up hurting themselves or hurting me and i'm sick of it. what the fuck? i mean, is it my fault? to i drive people to hurt themselves, because i already drive people AWAY from me, so i must people a really bad person if everyone keeps walking away. whatever, this life sucks anyway.
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